„Što bismo bez tebe!” Lijepo je to čuti. Ali što ako je to gotovo jedina pohvala koju dobivamo – i jedina koju znamo primiti? Mnogi ljudi koji teško kažu „ne” otkriju da se osjećaju vidljivo i vrijedno samo dok su nekome korisni.
Svima nam treba priznanje
U transakcijskoj analizi znakove pažnje i priznanja zovemo strokes – „podražaji” ili „znakovi pažnje”. To su osmijeh, pohvala, zahvala, pa čak i kritika. Bez njih ne možemo – trebaju nam kao hrana. Zato je razumljivo da tražimo način na koji ćemo ih dobiti.
Ako smo kao djeca najviše pažnje dobivali kad smo bili „dobri”, „od pomoći” ili „bez problema”, lako naučimo da je pomaganje najsigurniji put do priznanja. S vremenom to postaje jedini put.
Filter koji propušta samo jedno
Mnogi od nas imaju neku vrstu filtra: pohvalu za trud, pomoć i žrtvu lako primimo, a pohvalu za ono što jesmo – naš humor, ideje, toplinu – odmahnemo rukom. „Ma nije to ništa.” „Daj, pretjeruješ.”
Zapitajte se:
- Za što mi ljudi najčešće zahvaljuju?
- Kada sam zadnji put dobila priznanje za nešto što nije bilo vezano uz pomaganje?
- Što učinim kad me netko pohvali – prihvatim ili umanjim?
Mali koraci prema drugačijem priznanju
- Primite pohvalu. Kad vam netko zahvali, pokušajte samo reći „Hvala, drago mi je” – bez objašnjavanja i umanjivanja.
- Tražite ono što trebate. Može biti jednostavno: „Bi li mi rekla što misliš o mojoj ideji?” ili „Treba mi malo razumijevanja danas.”
- Napravite svoj „jelovnik”. Zapišite koje vam vrste pažnje prijaju (zagrljaj, poruka, zajednička šetnja, iskrena povratna informacija) i kod koga ih možete potražiti.
- Prepoznajte sebe. Na kraju dana zapišite jednu stvar koju cijenite kod sebe, a nije vezana uz to koliko ste pomogli drugima.
Vrijedni smo i onda kad ništa ne radimo za druge.
Cijelo poglavlje o priznanju, s vježbama korak po korak, nalazi se u mojoj radnoj bilježnici Old Rules, New Choices (na engleskom). 👉 Radna bilježnica na Amazonu
Ako želite o ovome razgovarati, dogovorite prvi razgovor.
Valued Only When We’re Helping
“What would we do without you!” It’s lovely to hear. But what if it’s almost the only kind of praise we get – and the only kind we know how to accept? Many people who find it hard to say no discover that they feel seen and valued only while they are useful to someone.
We all need recognition
In Transactional Analysis, units of attention and recognition are called strokes: a smile, praise, thanks, even criticism. We can’t do without them – we need them like food. So it makes sense that we look for reliable ways to get them.
If, as children, we got the most attention for being “good”, “helpful” or “no trouble”, we may have learned that helping is the safest route to recognition. Over time it can become the only route.
A filter that lets only one thing through
Many of us carry a kind of filter: we easily accept thanks for effort, help and sacrifice, but wave away appreciation for who we are – our humour, ideas or warmth. “Oh, it was nothing.” “Come on, you’re exaggerating.”
Ask yourself:
- What do people thank me for most often?
- When was I last appreciated for something that had nothing to do with helping?
- What do I do when someone compliments me – accept it or play it down?
Small steps towards a different kind of recognition
- Take the compliment. When someone thanks you, try simply saying “Thank you, I’m glad” – no explaining, no shrinking it.
- Ask for what you need. It can be simple: “Would you tell me what you think of my idea?” or “I could use a bit of understanding today.”
- Make your own “menu”. Write down the kinds of attention that nourish you (a hug, a message, a walk together, honest feedback) and who you can ask for them.
- Recognise yourself. At the end of the day, write down one thing you appreciate about yourself that isn’t about how much you helped others.
We are worth something even when we’re not doing anything for anyone.
The full chapter on recognition, with step-by-step exercises, is in my workbook Old Rules, New Choices. 👉 Get the workbook on Amazon
If you’d like to talk about this, book a first conversation.
